Confessions of a tired mind

I'm tired. I don't know how to explain my exhaustion except that it isn't physical- although it manifests itself physically as well. It's the kind of tiredness that dwells in my bones... perhaps even closer to my soul. Soul-tiredness. However that works out.There are so many things that cannot be explained.

I feel rather burnt out, reflecting on the last 2 years. In some ways I like how I've grown but in other ways I don't. I often feel like I chase after something only to find that it is meaningless. Then I abandon ship. It seems like before I was capable of so many more thoughts and emotions... but I pushed away whatever might make me crumble. I filtered out what might make things harder. I starved myself of what I think I now need. Information, passion, complicated emotions, beauty in silence, stimulating thoughts, pursuit of the mysterious... the list goes on. I remember I used to research things for hours... The ideas of man I found on websites were fascinating at first but afterwards they all started to sound the same. Then I thirsted for something real, something that would explain everything else but never found it. Then I gave up. Sorry. This is very vague. Do I even know what I'm talking about? Ramble, ramble...

I'm going to meet a lot of people in my life. It's already starting as my little snow globe starts to develop cracks, letting in air. Then I'll add them to myspace or something and feel proud of myself for making a new friend. It's already starting. But will I get to know people again? Will I ever know their heart? Will I ever know which smile is genuine happiness and which one is for the camera? Honestly, I'm not really one to post blogs because I'd rather have a conversation. But I'm realizing now that so much of the conversations I have with people are 'intros'. Intros, small talk, the weather. And even when we go deeper, it's for the sake of going deeper and keeping a conversation than actually really wanting to know that person. And I've been into the 'intro' part of relationships for a while now that it makes me slightly uncomfortable to take another step. (frustrated noises...) I like the kind of conversation that comes out of taking time off the busy schedule to have a cup of coffee, chocolate, soda, jello, cha mook, anything. Then most of the time that means you're going to listen to someone and be listened to and have a stimulating exchange of ideas. Well, I could be wrong. I've really been into coffee shops lately. Just the other day I went with my mom. We left too soon though.

Also, I don't know why it is but I feel quite the foreigner in this whole Christianity business. It's been that way for a long time. I love Jesus and I want to follow him but I've lost touch and sight of something very important. How am I going to get along in DTS? I've been around Christians all my life and I've heard the words they use- words I've even used myself without understanding them much. Big words like salvation, anointment, forgiveness, joy, suffering, hallelujah... things like 'God bless you', 'God is in control'... it goes on. Confession: These words sound very abstract and foreign to me.
I've strayed from the simple way of Jesus. That childlike faith that is so often stressed. Trusting like a child. Loving like a child.

I'm also kind of prejudiced, you know? Particularly white westerners who say they're Christian. But don't worry about it if you are a white westerner. It's just a very brief thought upon the first introduction. It usually goes away very fast as I get to know you better.

I want to find the real Jesus that I've somehow traded away. Instead there is a hippie on the pulpit, making the peace sign. He says everything will be alright as he smiles into the camera, not really looking anyone in the eye. He says I'm alright and that I'm doing the right thing. He makes me feel comfortable about where I am and what I'm doing. I did a lot for this guy... but when I think of the real Jesus that I sometimes catch a glimpse of, that can see me through the black and white pages of the Bible, I cant see him doing much of anything that I say I do for him. Honestly, I can't imagine him at church. Or leading worship. I see him on the outside looking in through the window. I'm not refering to the whole church here. I'm mostly refering to a part of the body that's gone wrong... that part of the body doesn't really invite Jesus in anymore, if ever it did. Perhaps there's more than one part.
I like (yet strongly dislike) thinking about what the real Jesus would do if he were in my shoes. It makes me sad to think that there are so many differences. He wouldn't have developed a calloused indifference to the suffering. He wouldn't justify his walking away from a beggar by saying he doesn't want to support an evil organization that gets money by forcing people to beg. I'm not sure what he would do but I know it wouldn't be what I do.
Why is it that when I imagine the Lord looking at me, it's the same look he gave Peter when the rooster crowed for the third time? Why is it that when I look at my hands, they are stained with his blood? Do the wounds I give you hurt more than the cross did?

I don't want my beliefs, my ideas, my inventions. I want the truth of Jesus... not as I think it, but truth as he is.