Farewell

It feels weird packing for more than 2 weeks.

It feels weird making my bedroom into a guest room.

Things are changing. They have changed already.

A year ago I would've thought I'd be in the states already with my sister and grandma. It's kind of funny that I'll only be in Chiang Mai.

Painting

Painting is frustrating. Ugh.

It's really annoying when you work on something for a while and you think it's pretty good... but then you leave the room and the next time you look at it it looks terrible.

I painted another picture today. Or rather... finished it... sort of... I don't know if it's finished yet. I feel like it's done... but not as in a satisfactory done where there's nothing I would change about it if I could. It's more of a giving up done because I don't want to ruin it more and plus I'm too lazy to continue it. Yes. That's it.

messages

I'm thinking of spending the rest of my month here painting.

I'm getting more used to the idea of being on my own more. Of course by saying 'on my own' I'm not really on my own at all. I will definitely be cared for by someone- although it won't be my family much anymore. I've been rather surprised lately by people's generosity. There are a lot of nice people out there.

I've been away from home for almost 2 weeks and it felt really good. I like Thailand. I spent last week in Baan Jai Deow... one of the ministries for university students. There was pretty much only one farang working there. It's good to see Thais lead. It doesn't happen as often up here in Chiang Rai.

I'm kind of ashamed by how bad my Thai has gotten. For someone who has grown up here, I should be a lot better. I like to blame it on my going to an international school ... and that is a huge part of the reason... but I probably could have worked harder if I really tried. It's been coming out easier though as I make more friends here and speak more Thai.

In Bangkok, there were two bunnies... I mean, two people dressed up in big bunny outfits. Some kind of lame cutesy advertising. I like being mean to people dressed up in costumes but the guy I was with mistook it for me wanting to take a picture with the big pink bunny. The big pink bunny was very interested in having it's arms around the girls... and then I see someone lift up the head peice... there is a big bearded guy inside. Not funny. Not quite what I pictured to be inside a cutesy pink bunny.

I've been rather obsessed with the sky lately.

On the way back from Pi Aim and Beth's wedding, we took a road by Pi Boon's village. Everything was so green and fresh looking so we rolled down the windows and let our hair blow around and smack our faces... all this while listening to reggae.

The sky. It seems like it's able to reflect every kind of human emotion. It's always there above us yet it never stays the same. It's always moving, always reflecting something. It dares express the things I am too ashamed to show. It is huge and when I looked at it the other day it seemed to have a thousand dimensions- if that even makes sense. It's kind of like a person with so many shifting moods. Amazing.

I've been having P'Dtum come over to read the Thai bible over with me and explain words I'm not familiar with. So far... I love it. There seems to be such a richness in Thai that I seem to miss while reading the English bible.
And then there's all the vocabulary used for royalty. In English, Jesus' hand is just his hand. But in Thai it's .... ah, nevermind. This keyboard does't have Thai symbols. It would be something like 'pra haht'. It's pretty neat to see such a level of respect given to Jesus... respect that I usually don't give.
And I'm realizing how hard English is if you haven't grown up speaking it. Several people have told me their frustration with English... it's hard!

be a winner

I'm home alone and I haven't even thought of turning the tv on. That's encouraging. I was watching some a few nights ago... but the cable started screwing up around 9:30 pm. So, all that was left was Benny Hinn and JCTV (Jesus Christ TV). A bible trivia game was on JCTV so I watched it to see if I could get any of the answers right. Then they announced the prizes that the winners would get... and... well... I thought they were ridiculous.
"Be the first on your block to wear these Christian shoes and show everyone that you are blessed by God." As a pair of white tennis shoes are shown with the world 'blessed' written on the side in gold lettering. And then gold praying hands on the flap.
"Be a witness to others by wearing these Christian T-shirts..."
"Christian bags..."
"Christian pants..."
"Christian boardgames..."
Christian, Christian, Christian.

" That right there is American Christianity," my dad says.

... is it?

I've been enjoying volunteering at the smoothie shop. At first it was awkward because of the farang/ thai barrier. But lately we've been playing games together, laughing, teasing... it's been fun.
I don't quite feel like I fit in with groups of farangs... yet I feel really out of place in groups that are Thai. Maybe I'm reading too much into my feelings of not fitting in that I forget that perhaps no one has a perfect fit in this world. The cookies have been changed in the oven and no longer fit the cookie cutter...
I'm glad I'm staying in Thailand longer.
My parents bought cable today. I knew nothing about it. I used to always protest against us getting cable because it encouraged a couch potato lifestyle. But I've warmed up to it now. I'll just need self discipline.
I babysitted today from 9 am to around 5 pm. I love watching how mothers interact with their kids. Sometimes when the kid does something to really push her button, and I think she's had it... she picks the child up and embraces him instead of the smack I expected from her. I would love to have patience like that.

Confessions of a tired mind

I'm tired. I don't know how to explain my exhaustion except that it isn't physical- although it manifests itself physically as well. It's the kind of tiredness that dwells in my bones... perhaps even closer to my soul. Soul-tiredness. However that works out.There are so many things that cannot be explained.

I feel rather burnt out, reflecting on the last 2 years. In some ways I like how I've grown but in other ways I don't. I often feel like I chase after something only to find that it is meaningless. Then I abandon ship. It seems like before I was capable of so many more thoughts and emotions... but I pushed away whatever might make me crumble. I filtered out what might make things harder. I starved myself of what I think I now need. Information, passion, complicated emotions, beauty in silence, stimulating thoughts, pursuit of the mysterious... the list goes on. I remember I used to research things for hours... The ideas of man I found on websites were fascinating at first but afterwards they all started to sound the same. Then I thirsted for something real, something that would explain everything else but never found it. Then I gave up. Sorry. This is very vague. Do I even know what I'm talking about? Ramble, ramble...

I'm going to meet a lot of people in my life. It's already starting as my little snow globe starts to develop cracks, letting in air. Then I'll add them to myspace or something and feel proud of myself for making a new friend. It's already starting. But will I get to know people again? Will I ever know their heart? Will I ever know which smile is genuine happiness and which one is for the camera? Honestly, I'm not really one to post blogs because I'd rather have a conversation. But I'm realizing now that so much of the conversations I have with people are 'intros'. Intros, small talk, the weather. And even when we go deeper, it's for the sake of going deeper and keeping a conversation than actually really wanting to know that person. And I've been into the 'intro' part of relationships for a while now that it makes me slightly uncomfortable to take another step. (frustrated noises...) I like the kind of conversation that comes out of taking time off the busy schedule to have a cup of coffee, chocolate, soda, jello, cha mook, anything. Then most of the time that means you're going to listen to someone and be listened to and have a stimulating exchange of ideas. Well, I could be wrong. I've really been into coffee shops lately. Just the other day I went with my mom. We left too soon though.

Also, I don't know why it is but I feel quite the foreigner in this whole Christianity business. It's been that way for a long time. I love Jesus and I want to follow him but I've lost touch and sight of something very important. How am I going to get along in DTS? I've been around Christians all my life and I've heard the words they use- words I've even used myself without understanding them much. Big words like salvation, anointment, forgiveness, joy, suffering, hallelujah... things like 'God bless you', 'God is in control'... it goes on. Confession: These words sound very abstract and foreign to me.
I've strayed from the simple way of Jesus. That childlike faith that is so often stressed. Trusting like a child. Loving like a child.

I'm also kind of prejudiced, you know? Particularly white westerners who say they're Christian. But don't worry about it if you are a white westerner. It's just a very brief thought upon the first introduction. It usually goes away very fast as I get to know you better.

I want to find the real Jesus that I've somehow traded away. Instead there is a hippie on the pulpit, making the peace sign. He says everything will be alright as he smiles into the camera, not really looking anyone in the eye. He says I'm alright and that I'm doing the right thing. He makes me feel comfortable about where I am and what I'm doing. I did a lot for this guy... but when I think of the real Jesus that I sometimes catch a glimpse of, that can see me through the black and white pages of the Bible, I cant see him doing much of anything that I say I do for him. Honestly, I can't imagine him at church. Or leading worship. I see him on the outside looking in through the window. I'm not refering to the whole church here. I'm mostly refering to a part of the body that's gone wrong... that part of the body doesn't really invite Jesus in anymore, if ever it did. Perhaps there's more than one part.
I like (yet strongly dislike) thinking about what the real Jesus would do if he were in my shoes. It makes me sad to think that there are so many differences. He wouldn't have developed a calloused indifference to the suffering. He wouldn't justify his walking away from a beggar by saying he doesn't want to support an evil organization that gets money by forcing people to beg. I'm not sure what he would do but I know it wouldn't be what I do.
Why is it that when I imagine the Lord looking at me, it's the same look he gave Peter when the rooster crowed for the third time? Why is it that when I look at my hands, they are stained with his blood? Do the wounds I give you hurt more than the cross did?

I don't want my beliefs, my ideas, my inventions. I want the truth of Jesus... not as I think it, but truth as he is.

Woohoo, I have a blog. These were my deep thoughts for the day. lol. lol. rofl.asl.